Understanding Emotional Dependency 

Two people start off as strangers. Give or take a few weeks or months and they’ve become fairly close. The relationship could be perennial. Gradually, one of the people involved starts feeling a sense of attachment to, a sense of incompleteness without, and a sense of validation and security with the other. However, this relationship eventually becomes awkward, uncomfortable and suffocating for the other person who decides that he/she has had enough and can’t take anymore of it. Now, the “one” is left with a void and a cornucopia of feelings, none of which ascribe to him/her any self-worth or consolation. Why? Because this person in question was emotionally dependent on the other.

What are the causes of emotional dependency? For most people, it arises from the want to be loved, needed and/or understood, or the desire for their feelings to be known, acknowledged and/or reciprocated. Over-attachment to loving parents or significant figures during childhood or the lack of the same could result in this state. 

Emotional dependency also stems from expectation. You might have expectations of people without even knowing it. While it’s not wrong to have mild expectations in any relationship, they don’t exactly contribute to the relationship in a positive way. Most often, you expect people to fulfill needs and play roles that they are either incapable of, or unobligated to fulfill or play. Realizing the limitations of every relationship is vital for you to have realistic or, better still, no expectations from the other. 
When you are emotionally dependent on someone, you are susceptible to constructing an idealized image of or fantasy involving that person. You often forget that the object of your fantasy is in fact human in nature because they have been removed from reality. This idealization always ends in disappointment or even hurt as any negative or unexpected response of the significant other can be detrimental to the emotionally dependent person.  
Emotional independence is stalled by this dependency. When you invest all your love in a person who ends up saying sayonara, what do you do? Find the strength to get a move on with your life or start self-deprecating and brooding over the could-haves and should-haves? If the the latter is your reaction, then you’ll understand the consequences of emotional dependency: you are bereft of self-worth – you gave another person so much importance that you neglected the fostering of your own worth. 

In order to become emotionally independent, you must practice self-consciousness and introspection. Analyze the patterns of your thought and behavior and look for destructive and negative elements in them. Do you get clingy? Do you act childish? Do you come off as needy? Do you always want someone’s undivided attention? Do you focus your attention solely on the object of your fantasy? Do you go to extremes to make someone happy? Do your feelings depend largely or entirely on another person? Does your presence or conduct make someone uncomfortable? If your answer is yes to most or all of these, you need to start cultivating self-reliance and emotional maturity. Identify and work on your fortes and your gifts. Assure yourself that you don’t need to estimate how worthy you are of being loved in terms of how much someone else loves you.
As regards to the person you were reliant on, it is best to maintain a healthy distance and set reasonable boundaries rather than deleting them from your life or pretending they never existed. Give yourself and everyone the space they deserve. If a relationship hits a sore point, don’t allow yourself to get reactive due to neediness. Emotional dependency is a potential threat to a lot of relationships. Don’t condition yourself to have a low opinion of a person who could not meet your expectations. Just because they couldn’t, it doesn’t make them bad people. They probably have enough to deal with in their own lives, or they are just not the right people to see you through your moments of doubt. Remember that you can’t force people to be there for you at all times, or force them to be in your life if they don’t want to stay. 
In conclusion, emotional dependency can be addressed and it can certainly be overcome. While it can be awkward at the least or embarrassing and humiliating at the worst, it is just human nature manifesting itself. With a little self-respect and willpower, you’ll begin to see positive holistic change in your emotions and your mindset. 

(Experience speaks. Feel free to talk to me about your feelings related to this post.)


One Day in Time 

Time will translate this weakness into strength;
One day even the scars will be faded like old ink on old parchment;

The mind’s eye will soon see only blurred memories,

Memories relieved of their intensity, their stimulus,

Memories robbed of their sting, their power to hurt.
The sun will conquer every lonely, dark night;

The storm will die, the sky will clear.

Pain will tire of rearing its head, its fangs will not pierce, will not kill;

It’s strangling hold will break, it will be defeated in its purpose.

Broken hearts will mend, broken people will be made whole.
One day in time, we will be set free. 

How to Evolve into a Full-Fledged Writer

If you’re at the pen to catch the attention of the masses that are super-saturated with the written word, there are some guidelines as well as thumb rules you should do well to adhere to. Writing is like a flower, it evolves from an inconspicuous, unremarkable bud to a widely admired blossomed delight.

  • The Habit of Reading

The first step to becoming a veteran writer is to be an avid reader. Exposure to ideas, worlds and characters- both real and unreal; living, dead, vampire or werewolf; Heaven, Earth and Mars- will constructively impact your perception of both fiction and fantasy.

  • Kicking it Off

When your confidence has reached its peak, seek your pen or your keyboard. Begin with either poems or short reflections of everyday life. Remember that expression creates an impression. After making the first draft, scout words that could be replaced with more powerful analogues, sentences that could be constructed in a more catching manner and ideas that could use better phrasing and expression.

  • The Power of Words

Just like the atom is the building block of all matter, words are the cornerstones, the foundation and the bricks of every language. They exude power, sentiment and expression. Words should be selected keeping the genre at hand in mind. When penning historical fiction, for instance, the words employed could very well be archaic and as long as your femur, but when composing a young-adult novel, excessive spillage of high vocabulary would be a major turn-off. In order to enhance one’s knowledge of words, the perusal of a thesaurus is recommended.

  • Language Tools

Figures of speech are the monarchs in the Kingdom of Expression. When reading acclaimed bestsellers, keep your eye out for those similes and metaphors interspersed within the text, but only reserve them as templates. Never be tentative to unleash the originality in you. Start looking at everyday things with the eyes of a writer. Make suitable comparisons and your figures of speech are ready to use.

Let us consider a trio of examples when dealing respectively with a simile, a metaphor and personification with a little elucidation.

So basically, a simile is a comparison between two similar things that may or may not be abstract. Instead of saying, “I looked into his blue eyes..” try instead, “I looked into his eyes that were as blue as the ocean on a sunny day.”

A metaphor is a condensed simile that proceeds as though the two things are a single entity. Rather than saying, “She is as meek as a lamb…”, say, “She is a meek lamb.”

Personification involves attributing living traits to inanimate objects or concepts such as love, death and time. Personification breathes life into a story and takes the level of expertise a notch higher. Examples include:

-The icy breath of the wind assaulted my pallid skin.

-The green field held me in its bosom.

-The eyes of the sky wept myriad tears.

-The ghost of Hope vanished without a trace.

-Fate has a savage heart.

  • What kind of a writer do you aspire to be?

Once you have discovered your talent, discover your niche and that can only be achieved when you explore the terrain of various genres. Aspiring novelists must possess adequate knowledge of the various categories and subcategories that are available to choose from and the best way to do this is to read an array of books and analyze which genre resonates with you more. On selecting your cup of tea, proceed onward.

  • Characters

Characters are the centers of gravity and the focal points of any story. The bestselling novels incontestably have characters that are so highly addicting that they don’t just feel like names printed on heavy paper. They ought to be magnetizing and riveting, making people hold their breath, choke back tears and explode with laughter.

When tailoring a character, one needs to adopt a character sketch. Note down the traits, the specialties and the eccentricities appertaining to him/her/it.

For instance, in my novel, Insanity, the protagonist, Juliana Steele was a latte lover with raw umber hair that she liked to do in a ponytail. She was a psychologist specializing in psychiatry with a soft edge. She was fond of solitude, owing to past circumstances of abrupt deprivation of vital people.

These character sketches could also include catchphrases, background stories, habits and mannerisms, likes and dislikes.

  • The Perspective

The most frequently adopted perspectives are those from the author point of view (third person) and the character(s)’ point of view (first person). The first person narrative is generally employed by authors who can metamorphose their minds and hearts into those of the characters concerned and the narrative is typically shared between two main characters. The third person is used when the story is better narrated from the author’s point of view. It sits well with mystery/thriller and historical fiction.

  • The Setting

Miami beaches, a KFC outlet, best friend’s house, Mars… and the possibilities stretch from here to infinity. When choosing a location, it should have some sentimental value to the characters and it should blend well with the series of events that will unravel there. Research on the trivial and non-trivial must-knows about a location is mandatory.

  • Reviewing

Once your material is closing in on the finish line, it must be proofread. This might embarrass you initially, but as your skills with the pen are honed, you might be more than impressed that something that boasts of such supreme quality came forth from you. Rectify any spelling/factual/punctuation errors you may come across. Delete portions that throw the story off balance and add in fresh replacements if it be necessary. Once this rigorous process is over, you can throw your hands in the air and give yourself a pat on the back and take yourself out on a solo date to KFC because you have just achieved a milestone as a budding writer.

So, gear up for an incredible journey that only words can take you on and evolve into a veteran!

Dedication: Faustina, my baby cousin, this one’s for you to glean from.)


“I’m over my head and there’s no way out. It’s like I’m underwater trying not to drown.” ­­— Nikki Flores in ‘Underwater’

Have you ever felt that way at any point in your life? At one moment you felt as light as a feather that you could even walk on the surface of the blue, but all too suddenly, you just felt heavier and noticed that you were sinking with no way out. You don’t want to die, but you don’t know how to evade death from happening.

Maybe you’re suffocating, your lungs are in agony, your limbs are flailing helplessly, and the weight of your heavy heart keeps acting in your disfavor. It’s like wanting to live but not being able to stay alive.

But maybe there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Even someone who looks too big for even the weighing scale to affix a number in kilos to is capable of floating.

Resurfacing is a great deal harder than floating, but it isn’t unfeasible. There comes a time when you’re just holding on by a flimsy thread that can only last for so long before unraveling and coming apart and that is the moment of truth wherein you decide to go down silently or to rise to the surface fighting even when you’re being tested.

To live or to die. That is the choice to be made in a situation as critical as the one at hand.

When you let go of those weighty feelings that are attached to you like a ball and chain, they will sink to the bottom of the ocean where they belong and you can propel yourself upward where you see the dancing reflection of the sun on the surface.

You feel drained. You feel hazy. You feel relieved.

The odds will perpetually try to suck us in and suck the life out of us, but to drown in them or to break free of their iron grip and stronger-than-gravity pull is a choice you have to make. It’s worth the fight to stay alive after all, isn’t it?

As Abandoned as You Can Be

“Hey, I have big news for you!” I say.

Everyone listens.

“Hey, there’s a party in my house this weekend.”

Everyone comes.

“Hey, I have a boyfriend.”

Everyone wants the details.

“I feel so lonely. I need someone.”

No one cares.

What bestial reality!

It must baffle you when you try to make sense of indifference these days. But it’s just natural for people to not want to partake in your sorrow. It’s like giving them a choice between maple syrup and pulverized bitter squash.

Jettisoned as you may be, know that people don’t leave you to show you that you’re weaker without them, but to show you that you’re stronger on your own. Everyone says that his life is packed to the brim with his own sorrows that he hasn’t any room for that of another, but it’s mind-boggling as to how the same hearts that appear to be filled to the brim with sentiments of melancholy are avid partakers in activities and talks of pleasure.

Everyone wants to be with you when your happiness is at its pinnacle but no one really accompanies you down to the vale when you’re overwhelmed with sadness.

But don’t worry, because those who taste pleasure too often will wind up miserable just like those who drink too much of maple syrup might be on the waiting list of Mr. Diabetes. Those who know sorrow will just come closer to what they are and will eventually learn to discover the real meaning of life- not in the form of vague delectation- but in its every sense. Bitter squash might cause a tongue to recoil and a face to squirm, but it doesn’t kill. It just makes you healthier and stronger.